I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
