i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize