Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
