i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How does one acquire holy water?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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