I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize