I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I wear drunk well.
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