i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
