What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Pants are for mortals
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
