i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
