if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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