Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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