i just sent this text using only my big toe
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
