he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
