You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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