Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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