We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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