My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
