dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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