There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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