Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
