Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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