I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
