You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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