Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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