dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize