when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my shit smells like andre
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
