I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
