sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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