I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You may now shotgun with the bride
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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