she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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