I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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