just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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