I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
