Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
