I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
