that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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