I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
