No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
