Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
