the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
