This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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