I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
