i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
