dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
