I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize