Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
