Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
