this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
