Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
