just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
