Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
