It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
