why didn't you poke me back
Did I show you my penis last night?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
