Nicole vs. Life
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize