I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
