you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
