my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
