Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
